Relena's a B****
by KatMaxwell
Summary: Rated for language, its a fic with singing chibi pilots ^-^ R&R please!!!!


Relena's a Bitch  
  
This is a fic I wrote after watching the South Park movie ^^; its mostly based on the song Cartman sang. When I heard it this popped up. I hope you enjoy it!! Gundam Wing and its characters don't belong to me Uh Duh! I could never be THAT creative , so don't bother suing me!! You ain't getting jack-squat! ^^; heh heh..... enjoy!!!  
  
  
One day, the chibi-pilots were playing around at the chibi-Gundam Pilot school playground.  
  
Duo, hanging from the monkey bars by his hands: " Heero!! Lookout! Relena's comin'!!"  
Heero, looks behind him from the sandbox: " Ooh noo..."  
Quatre, from the swings: " We gotta hide!"  
Trowa, stops pushing Quatre: " Before thee findth uth."  
Wufei, from the sand box with a confused look: " What he say?"  
Duo, jumping off the bars and grabs Heero's little wrist: " He said before she finds us, now let's go!!"  
  
The chibis run as fast as their little legs could take them. They ran until they made it to the other side of the playground.  
  
Wufei: " We safe here."  
Duo: " Geez Hee-chan. Relena sure is a bitch huh?"  
Quatre, gasps: " You cuhsed!!"  
Duo: " So? She is a bitch. Always stalking Heero, always taking him away so we couldn't play with him. She a bitch I tell ya!"  
Heero: "...yeah.."  
Trowa: " If thee hearth you, thee'll kill you."  
Wufei: " Yeah. Onna crazy."  
Duo, starts to sing: " Oh well~~"  
Heero: " Doon't doo it Duoo."  
Duo, stares at Heero for a moment: " ...Well~~"  
Heero, points his finger at him: " I'm warning yoo!"  
Duo: " Alright, alright."  
Heero, to the others: " If she hears..."  
  
Duo, comes out of nowhere:  
  
Well~~  
Relena's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch   
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world  
She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch  
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls   
  
Quatre, pleadingly: " Duo....keep it down..pwease?"  
  
Duo continues the same:  
  
On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesdays and Saturdays she's a bitch  
Then on Sunday just to be different  
She's a super mecha Deathscythe bee-utch   
Duo, to all the other chibis who stopped playing to listen: " C'mon you all know the words!!"  
  
Everyone ( even the pilots except Heero) joined in despite themselves:  
  
Have you ever met my friend Heero's stalker, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world  
( Girl chibis, holding hands creating a circle around the chibi-pilots: La-la-la-la, La-la-la-la )  
She's a mean old bitch and she has an ugly face  
She's a big-big-big-big-big-big bitch  
  
Duo, again:   
  
Bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch  
She's a stupid bitch  
( everyone else but Heero: Whoo!! )  
  
Relena's a bitch, and she's such a dirty bitch  
( Heero finally joins in with everyone: Bitch! )  
  
Duo: Talk to kids around the world it might go a little something like this ....  
  
Wufei along with some other Chinese chibis sing the song in Chinese.  
  
Then Trowa and some other Latin chibis sing in Spanish.  
  
Quatre and some Arabic chibis sing it in Arabian.  
  
Lastly, Heero and other Japanese chibis sing it in Japanese.  
  
( Duo sings with all four chibis as well)  
  
Then all the chibis join in:  
  
Have you ever met my friend Heero's stalker  
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world  
( girls chibis again: La-la-la-la La-la-la-la)  
She's a mean old bitch and she has an ugly face  
She's a big-big-big-big-big-big bitch  
( all chibis but Duo stop singing and gasp)  
Bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch  
She's a stupid bitch  
  
Wufei, pointing behind Duo: " Uh....Duo.."  
  
Duo does not hear and continues:  
  
Relena's a bitch and she's such a dirty bitch  
  
Big broadway-ish ending  
  
I really mean it Relena  
She's a big, fat, fuckin' bitch  
Big, old, fat, fuckin' bitch  
Relena~~~  
  
Slides on the floor on his knees with his hands up  
  
Yeah! Shh-kah!  
  
Duo, noticing his fellow chibi's shocked expressions: " What?" He stands up and turns to find a VERY pissed chibi-Relena standing with her hands on her sides " Oh, fuck...."  
  
Relena, crosses her arms: " What was that you were saying about me!?"  
Duo, becomes afraid of her expression but stands up for himself: " You heard me...I called you a...a...........A BITCH!!!"  
Relena, takes a deep breath, large bulbous veins appear on her head: " NANDESTE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? HOW DARE YOU!? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO!? I AM RELENA DORLIAN PEACECRAFT!!!! YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT YOU CHIBI PEASANT!!!!!"  
  
As Relena continues to scream her head off, all the chibis were either covering their ears ( which didn't really help. The fact that her voice was super high pitched because she was chibi didn't help either ) or holding on for dear life. Her screams were so loud and strong, that she was blowing some chibis away.  
  
Quatre, trying to yell but his voice was almost drowned out by Relena's screams. He was holding on to Trowa with one arm, legs in the air, while the other hand covered one of his ears: " Welena-san!!! Stop yelling!!! You killed a tweeee!!!!!"  
Trowa, holding on to a pole with one arm while he held Quatre's arm with the other: " Thtop killing Treeeeeth!!! You're making Quatre angry!!! Whoa, whoa!!!"  
Quatre: " Don't let go Twowa!!"  
Wufei, covering his ears and fighting against Relena's force: " ONNAAAA!!!!! YOU I KIIIIIILLLLLL!!!!!!!"  
Heero, also fighting against the winds of Relena with his arms crossed in front of his face: " Relena!!!! OOMAE OO KOOROOSU!!!!!!! STOOP SCREAMING!!! MY EARS ARE GOONNA RIP OOOOOOOOFFFF!!!!!!"  
  
Duo was knocked out on the floor since he took the full impact of Relena's screaming which pushed him into a tree and knocked him out. The tree was torn off its roots from both the impact and the wind. He was slowly being dragged back on the grass and was about to be blown away, but Heero jumped up and grabbed him by the waist. But by doing so, he was caught up in Relena's current and was blown clear off the playground. Quatre saw this ( along with the destruction of more trees ) and it made him very upset. He took a deep breath and used his almost similar-high-pitched-chibi-girl-voice ( no offense) and screamed as loudly as he could.  
  
Quatre: " WELENA!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT-UUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU BLEW AWAY HEEWO AND DUUUUOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Relena, stopped and looked around frantically for Heero ( when she says his name, she rolls the 'R'): " Heero? Heero. Heeeeeeeerrrrroooooo!!! Where are you Heero!?!?!?" Crying and sobbing " Heeeerrrrroooo!!!! Where are youuuuu!?!?!?" She runs off crying.  
  
All the chibis that were airborne, fell harshly to the ground. All were in extreme pain. Trowa released Quatre and gently placed him on the ground, and Wufei still had his hands firmly placed on his ears as he lay trembling on the floor in fetal position.  
  
Quatre, looks up: " I wondah if Heewo and Duo ah o.k...."  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
Heero, shaking Duo's shoulders: " Duoo. Duoo wake up!!.......DUOO!!"  
  
Duo's eyes were closed, and he remained motionless. But he was still alive. He was just unconscious. Heero continued to shake him, but he soon stopped because it didn't seem to be working.  
  
Heero, stands up, picks up Duo and carries him on his back: " Stoopid Relena....why'd she doo that too Duoo....oomae oo koorosu Relena...."  
  
Heero continued to walk. His destination, the playground. Luckily for them, they weren't blown too far so it wouldn't be that long a walk. With every step Heero took, he became more and more pissed at Relena. He became even more pissed when he thought about what happened. After they were blown into the sky, Heero saw that they were losing altitude. And fast. He also noticed that Duo was under him, so if they were to fall, Duo would have been hurt further. To avoid this, Heero grabbed Duo and they landed with Heero on his back and Duo was on Heero's chest. Duo almost got killed because of Relena's big mouth, and he was none too pleased. Soon, they reached the playground. Heero had planned the perfect way to get rid of Relena, and now was the time to put his plan into action. He noticed Relena was sitting in a sand box looking sad. Heero took this to his advantage and grabbed the closest shovel, and hit himself with it. It left an authentic head bump on the toy shovel. Luckily for him, he didn't feel a thing and it didn't leave a mark. No evidence. He then proceeded to place Duo in the same sand box. Relena didn't notice because she was too busy trying to glomp unto Heero.  
  
Relena, hugging Heero tightly....a little too tight: " Oh Heero!!!I thought you were gone!!! I'm so happy!!!"  
Heero, struggling to free his crushed arms and tried to breath: " Yeah.....ungh....Re..Relena....let go-o...."  
Relena, releases him: " Oh, I'm sorry Heero...."  
Heero, gasping deeply for air: " 'GASP'....its....'GASP' oo.k.....'GASP'....." He regains his breath " Alright....Relena, I give yoo this." Presents her the shovel.  
Relena, takes the shovel: " OH!!! A PRESENT!!! THANK YOU HEERO!!!!!"  
Heero: " SSHHHHH!!! It's a secret between yoo and me. Nooboody must knoow. If anyboody asks....yoo doon't knoow. Alright."  
Relena, with a big bright smile: " O.K."  
  
Heero then runs into the small school building and calls the teacher who was busy wiping the blood off of Wufei's ears.  
  
Wufei, sniffling: " Stupid...chibi-onna....my....ear...hurt."  
Teacher, soothingly: " It's alright baby....I'll make it all better."  
Quatre, holding one of Wufei's hands and is stroking it sympathetically: " It's o.k. The teachah will make the pain go away."  
Trowa, from the window: " Teacher! Heero ith coming!"  
Heero, bursts in the room: " Teacher! Teacher! Relena knoocked Duoo!!"  
Teacher: " Nani!?"  
  
The group runs out along with the other chibis that were inside the room.  
  
Teacher, fuming: " Relena Dorlian Peacecraft!!! What is the meaning of this!?"  
Relena, confused: " Huh? I..."  
Teacher, goes up to Duo and shakes him gently: " Duo-chan, Duo-chan wake up."  
Duo, wakes slowly: " Huh? Wh-where am I?" He looks at Heero who winks at him then his gaze turns to Relena. Duo follows his gaze, and sees the dented shovel. He winks back at Heero then starts to bawl his eyes out " WHAAAAAA!!!!! She hit MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! MY HEAD HURTS!!!!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!"  
Teacher, wipes the tears from Duo's eyes then turns to Relena: " Young lady, I am going to have to call your brother! This behavior will not be tolerated!" Grabs Relena's hand " Come! I'm going to transfer you!!" She re-enters the small school building, dragging a screaming and ranting Relena.  
  
Duo, jumps up and hugs Heero: " Heero, you're my hero!!!" Turns to the chibis " Let's celebrate!!"  
  
All the chibi-pilots and their classmates hook arms and start doing the can-can kicks to the beat of the song....  
  
All chibis:  
  
We really mean it Relena  
She's a big, fat, ugly, loud, stupid, cock-suckin', stalking, crazy, storm-makin', tree-killin', fuckin' bitch  
Big, old, fat, fuckin' bitch   
Relena~~  
  
All chibis get on one knee shaking their hands in the air:  
  
Yeah! Shh-kah!!!  
  
End ^.^  
  
Note: The song in this fic if from the South Park movie. It belongs to Cartman and it's originally dedicated to Kyle's mom. So don't sue me. I'm poor.  
  
P.s. If you didn't see the movie....rent it, buy it, pay-per-view-it! Just watch it!! It's hilarious!!! It's so gosh-darn funny ^_^!!!  
  
  
  
  



End file.
